Girl Fight

They aren’t listening. They don’t treat you with respect. Look, they’re snickering as you struggle to park your car. They say you’re too “hostile” in the workplace. You should really just CALM. DOWN. All this time you’re thinking to yourself, OH IT’S BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN.

It’s hard not to be defensive. To be honest, it’s a daily battle–snapping at Titos who’ve chosen misogyny as pulutan to pair with their whiskey; darting an evil eye at catcallers; questioning the success of men in the workplace because I simply attribute it to their male privilege. One time I couldn’t properly back up into a parking space and a guard offered to help–to whom I responded, OO KAYA KO! SA TINGIN MO BA DI KO KAYA?? IKAW KAYA TRY MO! And lord knows what kind of invectives I’ve hurled from hearing the phrase “kasi babae ka.” 

And all that time it’s been clear who my enemy is: THE MAN. And rightly so! They were born into privilege and we have to fight everyday for ours. Respect is their birth right as it was stamped onto their penises!

But then, it was only a couple of years ago that I started to see things differently. It was when I started dating a *gasp* much older man. While we were both in a loving relationship etc etc, it seemed as though we received two very opposite sets of reactions.

I got: She’s way too young for him. A little too boisterous don’t you think? Hindi yan serious. 

He got: Yeah he’s much older but at least he’s wiser and more experienced so at least he’ll be able to guide her. I’m so happy he has a second chance!!

As much as I tried to imbibe the strong, confident woman, this (very poorly written) dialogue kept running through my head. He was called romantic, yet I had the pleasure of being called whore, slut, malandi. And it occurred to me that most of these sentiments–whether real or imagined–were voiced by women. (Admit it, you read those lines in a Tita voice) These were things I heard from women on the daily; harsh, snap judgments that I myself have been guilty of making.

It’s then that I realized that the oppression of women isn’t just the work of a man but also at the hands of women themselves. Slut-shaming, mocking, underestimating, and undervaluing women–these are acts we’re all guilty of, regardless of gender.

We don’t exactly make it easy for each other. One can take a feminist stand then immediately ridicule another “type” of woman in her next post. We tell each other to love our bodies but hey YOU, don’t go loving it TOO much now! We say every woman needs to use her voice and yet we’re easily jarred by a voice that doesn’t sound like our own. LOL girl, you’re ridiculous. Girl, speak louder I can’t hear you!!! Ugh, so exhausting!!

I was once denied a job opportunity because I was “too confident.” A conclusion made not by men but by other women. I was excited by the prospect of working in an “all-girl group” because GIRL POWER YEAH! and well, from my experience, most of my greatest colleagues & managers were actually women. Yet I was disappointed to find out that they refused to work with me. After a few casual encounters, they concluded that I did not fit their perfectly shaped, blow-dried mold. They thought I was brash; I thought they were stuck-up bitches. I didn’t get the account I wanted and they didn’t get the manpower they so “urgently” needed. In our own attempts at elevating a specific kind of woman, WE ALL JUST BROUGHT EACH OTHER DOWN.

Sometimes we become so fixated on who we’re fighting that we lose sight of what it is we’re fighting for. Are we fighting for equality? empowerment? respect? Well then why are we simultaneously choosing who deserves all these things? While this is a shared goal, surely there must be different takes on how to achieve it. Why are only some women allowed to speak? Why are we only considering one point-of-view? Who gets to decide which is the correct one? Why can’t decent men engage in discourse IF they are open to listening? Yes, they will never fully understand us but as long as their intention is to TRY to understand then I’m sure our lifelong battle can accommodate one more discussion.

The conversation cannot be exclusive to a certain set of people because the fight involves ALL OF US. I know we are fighting for a better world to live in but surely this doesn’t entail exterminating all those who disagree with us–or does it? If it does, then what a comfortable world that would be for YOU to live in.